Holding Steadfast

Toni recently wrote about this verse: "He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." (Psalm 112:7, NIV) It struck me more than it would have on another day, because I had been literally pacing the floor, worrying about yet another bad lab report that had come up for Addison. Just when I thought I had wrapped my mind around all of her diagnoses, and could handle them, another one popped up. To make it worse, we wouldn't be seeing the specialist for a month, so I would have several weeks of waiting, worrying, and wondering until I knew concretly what the prognosis was. And I paced. And paced. And paced. And I worried.

And then I read that verse. Then I did something I'm not sure I've ever done before: I looked up the verse in a commentary. The commentator wrote, several hundred years ago,
"It is the duty and interest of the people of God not to be afraid of evil tidings, not to be afraid of hearing bad news; and, when they do, not to be put into confusion by it and into an amazing expectation of worse and worse, but whatever happens, whatever threatens, to be able to say, with blessed Paul, 'None of these things move me, neither will I fear, though the earth be removed .'" He also writes that "It is their endeavour to keep their minds stayed upon God, and so to keep them calm, and easy, and undisturbed; and God has promised them both cause to do so and grace to do so."

Calm, easy, undisturbed. I rarely achieve this when the little things of life get out of control! Then I am flustered, fretting, and grumpy. So to be "easy" in the midst of open-heart surgery, a possible kidney surgery, and waiting for a genetic diagnosis to manifest? Impossible. Humanly impossible, that is. But trusting in the Lord means no matter what. I can't just trust Him to do the fun thing, the easy thing, the thing I want. That's not trust. I have to trust Him that even if what He chooses to do is the worst I can imagine, I'll be okay. A close friend of mine recently went through a very hard time, and her words to me through this season of my life have consistently been, "Sarah, it'll be okay. Because even if it's not okay, you'll be okay." In other words, God may do the opposite of what I want, but I will still make it through.

While pondering these thoughts this afternoon, I felt surprised by joy. True joy. I realized that I have been afraid, my entire life, of the Big Thing. You know, the Big Thing that might someday happen, that would devastate me, that would cause me to question God and His goodness. I had always worried that this Big Thing would be the death of someone close to me, or a horrific disfiguring accident, or something else equally horrible. And today, it struck me--I've been in the middle of a Big Thing. These last seven weeks--they have been my first Big Thing. And I'm still here. My faith? It's not only intact, it's deeper and truer than ever before. My love for God? It has been sorely tested, and has come out purer and worth more to me than I could have imagined. And my joy? It's actually here!

I literally felt the relief pour over me. The fear of the unknown had passed, and I realized today that Isaiah 43:2-3, "When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Saviour" does not say IF--it says WHEN. And my "when" has come, and will likely continue to come, and the words of God have proven true, again. He has been near me, and these trials have not overcome me.

I think this is what it means to be steadfast. Our situation has not changed; we still have to go through more tests, more specialists, and at least one major surgery, possibly two. We still don't know whether the dreams we had for our little girl will ever be realized, or what the future holds for us. But did we ever? We thought we did, and that niggling little fear, that only crept up once in a while, of what I would do when the Big Thing struck, undermined my peace. But my mind and my heart are both holding fast right now to the truths of God. That even if it's not okay, we'll be okay. Because I am in the shadow of the Almighty. And that's good enough that I can stop pacing the floor.

*Isaiah passage is NASB, and commentary is from the Matthew Henry Commentary